You Never Be My Friend Again

No, the photos are not accidentally placed…

"The things we desire are transformative, and we don't know or only call up we know what is on the other side of that transformation"
~ Rebecca Solnit ~

Captain 13

Take I ever had a "Plan B"? No, in that location never was. I have been reminiscing a lot these days. Images from way back Elementary School, the silliness and hair ascension aspects of my teenage years, the outset of businesses, marriage, the birth of Lance, all in a scrap likewise brilliant details! I can transport myself to those infinitesimal moments while physically and mentally experience them. I tin can affect that present past as fantasizing I am riding my ain time machine. Must be age, must be the idling I am experiencing. Lonely at times I must admit, routinely going on with my nights and days even though I cannot say I am bored. I am skilful company with myself and notwithstanding more would be welcomed. At times! Temperamental, stubborn, thoughtful also frequently getting lost in my ain fog, while fortunately and respectfully with an open mind towards other'due south opinions and directions taken every bit I always joke "who in the world would put upward with me?". It is quite a remainder while constantly jumping from i scale onto the other.

Captain 7

This, at present, must be "plan B". Has to be as I am living it. There is no hardship per say. The physical kind to be more precise. Domicile, car, food, habiliment, medical care, tolerable aches and pains hither and there. Some what I always telephone call "good people" surrounding me even if from a distance. The heed is fairly sane… What more can I inquire for? I am non greedy! Yet, I am always wondering and asking myself "is this information technology?". I mean seriously. We laissez passer on through the years with and then many twists and turns, so many plans and dreams and aspirations never knowing, never guessing that they just might not realize for just apparently and elementary Life'due south reasons. No other than that, equally we endeavor and effort some more. Disciplined, faithful with work, filling ourselves with those values I have but a few days ago written nearly, and sometimes, in an instant, as changes only accept less than a 2d of realization, the bottom drops.

Captain 10

We tend to brand sense of it all by deft mental acrobatics, deducing what we want from what nosotros get, only to realize, and it is never quite clear whether this is a deep truth or a deep mirage, that the strange and unpredictable outcomes of Life might exist what we desired in the commencement place. Or was it? Did we of a sudden change our heed equally a shinier fascination passes by u.s.a. and allows us to catch a glance of it? Nosotros are not the usher even if we are given that sparkling title tag… our grip on the controls will never be tight enough to pass under the stop line of our ambitions and aspirations. The goals are endless as are also our cravings.
Lance's passing away was and always will be the milestone in my Life. A new imprint was propped upwardly with its writing still a blur I cannot define. A miscarriage of Life, aborted path, a cliff which was not supposed to be. There ever will be the before and subsequently. There was non throughout that era any mental acrobatics. It was non the result of a desire. Far from it.

Captain 8

At that place is a scenario that has often ran in my heed. A fantasy from years past which has never left my imagination. On a beautiful sunny day, I think of a rider on his horse, many Moons ago headed Northward throughout the cracking Plains. Nice apartment landscape, dark-green forests, not threatening trails, an easy ride and of a sudden…
…"Ten%#&@!!!" the Grand Canyon… Can yous just imagine his expression? How he felt? How the depth and the vastness of this improbable obstacle left him overloaded with emotions never felt before. How his jaws dropped down to his knees? I faced my Grand Coulee years ago. That day. I am however trying to become across it. I don't think I always volition. I will take that claiming to my grave unaccomplished, only not for the lack of trying.

Captain 5

I mumbled somewhere at one time years ago without much of a literary prose "I am okay with it".
Am I really? Was he? It was that in one case when without a choice the transformative moment was non a desire, a wish, a dream, simply merely information technology's opposite. The path we live ahead is infinite. Not finite, equally neither of united states of america will circle the past to rejoin the left hand while the right hand was pointing in the other direction.

Captain 14

I tin can't wallow. The graph does plunge down at times, that linear representation loses its uphill trace plunging into a depression era. Some days are always meliorate than others and some feel as the props of this stage have been forgotten in their storage. Everyone has left that scene on those days, even Friends are absent. To crawl uphill we must climb, it is a realistic truth, then the valleys do exist as otherwise peaks would not exist called equally such and the flatland would never feed u.s. that tenacity we need to vesture while looking upwardly even if fruitless, trying to achieve and grasp that left manus.

Captain 15
We all have our Grand Canyon. We all are trying to cross it somehow. Slowly the Eastbound and Westbound paths disappear only leaving the Northbound and Southbound alee and behind us. The sheer granite walls plunging are ofttimes not even in our vision, we just know they are there, real close and nosotros are running out of ropes to take us up and down again.